Chapter 10 |

COPING WITH KUNDALINI

„Patience – Faith. There are powers operating in the universe and in yourself which are beyond your everyday experience. Trust these deeper currents of life; let yourself flow with them.“ Sallie Nichols

Very few of us are fortunate enough to have a gifted healer or spiritual master to help us through the myriad difficulties of the transformational process. For those who find themselves on their own, the roller coaster of spiritual emergence can be bewildering and more than a little frightening. Even when we understand what is happening, it can be very hard to accept, trust and bear with this process. Nicola Kester, a former coordinator of the Spiritual Emergence Network (SEN), says that many Westerners
experiencing involuntary Kundalini are „disoriented, frightened, and angry“ and the most frequent question asked is „How can I make it go away?“ Kester says „there are no clear ways to make it go away… often, there is no stopping Kundalini once it has begun to rise. Like physical birth, it cannot be held back.“

I do know of a few cases where the individual was able to shut down the risen Kundalini for a period of time – but not indefinitely. Reverend Shoshana Shaw found the process, with its attendant psychic gifts, just too overwhelming in the face of her family obligations. She did not know she was experiencing Kundalini, but she prayed that whatever it was (and she knew it was some sort of living, intelligent presence), might be „removed temporarily“ until she could deal with it. In a few months, the mysterious presence vanished, and while Shoshana was relieved to have the burden lifted, she also felt a great loss. „My husband found me crying and asked what was wrong. I told him I felt a very precious part of me had left, and I felt so sad and empty.“

Some twelve years later, after her children were grown, her husband had retired and she had become „bored and depressed,“ her Kundalini rose again. It came without warning in the middle of the night, erupting with such force it rammed her into the headboard of her bed. This time, the return of the sacred Kundalini fires was wholly welcome and rejuvenating: „I came alive again.“ Whether or not we regard Kundalini as a living, conscious and intelligent inner presence, in certain phases of the process,
we are likely to be in such a heightened state of consciousness that we receive guidance from voices, visions, lucid dreams, or we may simply have a powerful intuitive knowing that directs us to do exactly what we need at that moment. At other, more barren stretches of the journey, we feel lost and unsure of what will nurture us and ease our passage. In my own long awakening process, there have been many times when I wished there were someone I could trust to advise me. But in my case, the greatest
external guidance I’ve received in my life has always come from books. My Kundalini awakening hasn’t altered this pattern; it was, in fact, passages I read in books that initially made me realize that my Kundalini had spontaneously arisen.

The advice in this chapter is a compilation of the recommendations I have read and learned through my own experiences for surviving the turbulence of transformation. But I think we need to remember that each of us is unique, and that we each have an individual life path and different resources available to us. What may work beautifully for one person might be of no use to another. Even within our own process we may find that our needs change, and discover that what gets us through one stage of
unfolding is insufficient or inappropriate at another point.

Grounding

In other times and other cultures which recognized spiritual transformation, the initiate in powerful stages of awakening would be isolated in a protected place, and would usually be watched over day and night by others who made sure he was not harmed during the exhaustive process. In our modern world, most of us don’t have the luxury of such a safe, secluded place nor the aid of supportive attendants willing (or able) to stay with us around the clock so that we can freely abandon ourselves to our process. The energies that erupt within us may be so mentally and physically electrifying that we
fear for our survival. „The experience of increased, high-voltage energy doesn’t last forever,“ Vicki Noble reminds us. „It eventually stabilizes, as do the emotions that have been aroused in response to it.“

In the meantime, there are certain measures we can take to ground ourselves (or at least to tone down the energies). The most frequent suggestions are:

1. Long walks, vigorous exercise, running or dancing (Caution: in extreme heightened states, physical movement accelerates the energy rather than providing release.)
2. Physical labor. This works best if it is both physically engaging and a fairly mindless, repetitious task which requires little mental concentration (such as scrubbing floors or pulling weeds).
3. Steady, gentle, non-demanding activities such as crafts or needlework
4. Communing with nature, especially in a serene, private setting. Sometimes full bodily contact with a tree or the earth can be very grounding. For about six weeks during my process, I received inner guidance to go barefoot. This was during the time when the electrical currents in my body were most intense; the energy coursed through my feet into the ground more easily without the insulation of socks and shoes.
5. In extremely energetic states, one is apt to go for long periods without sufficient food or sleep. The resulting stress on the organism amplifies these energies. If you are prone to spontaneous trance states or dysfunctional „spacing out,“ be careful to keep up your blood sugar through eating regular small meals or snacks, even if you aren’t hungry. And try to get plenty of rest.
6. Increase food intake and include more protein and sugar in the diet. (At times in the process, one is apt to have food cravings, particularly for sweets, dairy products or meat.)
7. Avoid practices that stimulate changes in consciousness, such as meditation, fasting, breathwork and so forth.
8. Make love. Some people find that the release of orgasm balances the psychospiritual energies.

9. Although not recommended, substances such as alcohol and tobacco can decrease the energy within
the system. (A SEN volunteer told me she had heard many cases where even those who had quit smoking years previously had taken up cigarettes again when they had Kundalini awakenings.) My personal Kundalini symptoms have been so extreme and continuous, I can’t imagine how much stronger they might have become had I successfully quit smoking. But these generalizations may not fit every case.
Prescription psychoactive drugs (antidepressants and antipsychotics) can arrest or completely abort a transformational process. This may sound desirable to those who are having a hard time of it, but these drugs do not return one to normal; instead, they tend to freeze the process in its present state. Worse, antidepressants can trigger psychosis for those in a delicate psychospiritual state, and the neuroleptics
(antipsychotics) can cause tardive dyskinesia, a persistent and in many cases irreversible pathological syndrome which resembles kriyas! (This is discussed at greater length in Chapter Fifteen in the section„The Medical Mine Field.“) Even so, some people are so prone to severe depression or debilitating psychosis in the heightened states that they cannot function without the temporary aid of these drugs.
10. Some people have had success grounding excessive Kundalini energies with magnets. It would probably be best to try this under the supervision of a health worker who utilizes magnets in his/her practice.
11. Many healers suggest visualizing one’s energy moving down through the feet and legs into the earth as a grounding technique. However, there is some controversy about this. The Tibetan shaman Lama Shakya Zangpo warns against this, as it may inadvertently open channels for underworld beings to emerge and cause havoc; in rare cases even entity-possession may occur. When spaciness is a problem, he recommends bringing the energies back into the body by concentrating on the heart chakra. He
recommends doing this by visualizing a sky blue light in the heart.
12. Service to others. (This has worked most often and most reliably in my own instance; focusing on someone else’s needs and lending my help and support has kept me from dissolving into oblivion – or panic – during my protracted periods in altered states.)

Pain

The worst thing you can do is to resist what is happening; that will only make it more difficult. The best thing is to go completely into whatever comes up, fully experiencing it and moving through it. – Stanislav and Christina Groff

Another major difficulty that comes up often in transformation is physical and mental/emotional pain. While much of the pain may be fleeting and therefore bearable, some is more corrosive. Our bodies and psyches are being torn apart and regenerated, and unfortunately, this process usually hurts. While it is not generally possible to completely eliminate pain, there are things we can do to alleviate it.

1. Baths. If the problem is insufferable bodily heat from the risen Kundalini, cool baths may provide relief. If the problem is muscle pains, warm baths may be soothing. Some individuals have told me that baths have been very grounding for them. In my personal experience, water (especially showers) intensifies the energy in my body. (Authentic Movement teacher Janet Adler found it so easy to slide into spontaneous trance states while in a warm bath that she utilized this method for years of her Kundalini process. Eventually, in order to regain her grounding, she had to avoid baths altogether. )
2. Massage, bodywork, chiropractic treatments, acupressure or aura work (such as Therapeutic Touch). Warning: unless this is done by a very sensitive, experienced person who is respectful of the Kundalini, it can disturb the delicate energy balance in the system and cause more pain.
3. Adjustments in diet. This may be especially necessary during periods of digestive difficulties. Experiment with dietary changes to find out what works best for you. (For more on this topic, see the section on „Nutrition“ later in this chapter.)
4. Follow internal cues. This is in line with the old joke where the patient says, „Doctor, it hurts when I bend over like this,“ and the doctor replies, „Well, then don’t bend over like that.“ Listen to what your body is telling you. Learning to respect our body/minds means more than taking note of which foods sit well with us and obliging our needs for rest and recreation. Many of us try to impose regimes of various sorts upon ourselves which are met with resistance. For instance, every time we try to meditate we may become fidgety or fall asleep; the yoga routine we promised ourselves we would practice daily always manages to get interrupted or postponed; our attempts to be more patient or to have more faith get emotionally sabotaged; and so on. Rather than considering these lapses failures and condemning ourselves, we can let our resistance be our teacher.

There may be an excellent reason why our subconscious (or the Universe) is balking at our plans. It may be that the things we believe we are supposed to be doing are not right for us, or not right at this time. Maybe some unrecognized need or ingrained notion is in conflict with what our conscious mind intends. Until we attend to the resisting part of ourselves, willing to hear what this internal protester has to say, we will be locked in battle against ourselves.

Here as in other places in this book, when I speak of heeding inner guidance, this does not usually mean that a voice will spell out detailed directions or give us an assessment of what is happening and how to proceed. While some people genuinely hear spirit voices (or are contacted by illumined teachers in dreams or apparitions), some channeled entities are not particularly intelligent nor wise, and some are simply manufactured by the ego.

I have witnessed people kid themselves into believing they were channeling spirit messages or that a magical intuitive force unerringly directed their lives. If the information coming to us differs little from our desires, opinions and logical deductions, it is probably not intuitive. When the messages we receive in this way do not shed new light on our problems or enable us to deal more effectively with real issues in our lives, they are simply fantasy. People whose lives feel empty sometimes create make-believe
spirit contacts to lead them on „important“ but meaningless adventures, producing an even more alienated existence. The messages they receive are often contrived, esoteric-sounding narratives. By contrast, actual spirit messages are frequently brief and to the point. I.e., „Stop!“ or „Get off the bus now.“

I rarely receive guidance through words or thoughts. The information I need comes to me through my dreams, instincts, physical sensations, and through „agreements“ and synchronicities in the outer world. Often I have to work at understanding what I am being told. If the guidance concerns a major decision, I don’t give a lot of credence to my hunches unless a message seems to be given repeatedly. For instance, before Charles and I created our Internet version of Shared Transformation, several other
groups had invited us to place our Web pages on their sites. This seemed like a great idea, and I was enthused over it, but every time I tried to put together material for our Web pages, I got a headache. I didn’t immediately interpret this to mean that we shouldn’t take one of the groups up on their offer. But when we tried to send one group an e-mail message apologizing for the delay in getting our material to them, the computer crashed. This second omen, on top of my headaches, made me wonder
if we were being warned against developing our Web pages for this site. Then I had a dream in which I had become a member of a club, which held its meetings in a jailhouse. Upon awakening, I realized the dream was telling me that the Internet groups, which had issued the invitations, would be too restrictive for us. It was then that Charles and I decided to set up our Web pages independently. Learning to trust our body/minds as much as we trust our rational ideas and the authority of other
people is the key to autonomy. Our culture has long been intolerant of nonrational knowledge and to the degree that we are in collusion with the „left brain only“ value system, we deprive ourselves of a great font of inner wisdom.

5. Allow automatic movements to occur. When the kriyas and mudras begin to happen, they may seem so alien to us that we try to repress these spontaneous physical movements. This can create more pain. I always feel an insistent ache in my arms right before the mudras occur. If I let my arms start to move, the pain vanishes, but if I resist the movements, the pain gets worse. If you have strong urges to move in a particular way, go off where you have privacy and let this happen. It can be especially disconcerting when the facial muscles automatically move, causing one to make grotesque grimaces or opening the mouth so wide it hurts. These movements and postures, which occur while resting in bed or at other times, may seem very odd, but they are the body’s attempts to acclimate and balance the spiritual energies.

Some people have discovered they were causing themselves pain by mentally and physically clamping down against the energies. Relaxing this mental and bodily tension may at first cause lots of shaking in the body, but this isn’t harmful. When the Kundalini has risen, it is common for the arms and body to move in sinuous motions during meditation. For several months in my own process, these movements were so wild that I had to stop meditating altogether. When I tried to sit to meditate, I would find myself writhing all over the place so much it was exhausting, not to mention ridiculous. I later learned that these excessive movements are themselves a form of moving meditation, and help both the body and the psyche to adjust to the exuberant dance of the Kundalini energy.

I know of people whose meditation teachers were critical of these spontaneous movements and insisted they be stopped. I have also heard of yoga teachers who disapproved of students whose awakened Kundalini thrust them into postures that the teacher had not suggested and did not feel were correct. Yet there are yoga and meditation teachers who have undergone Kundalini awakenings themselves and who support the process.

6. Flow with the pain. Sometimes I find that if I just accept the pain, and soften around it, I experience it in a much less tormenting way. There have been times when I’ve been helped to do this by using Stephen Levine’s mantra, „Just this much,“ which is a variation of sorts on the „One day at a time“ motto of the recovery movement, only in this case, it is „One microsecond at a time.“ Occasionally, this flowing-with-it actually changes the feeling from pain to a pleasurable streaming sensation.

7. Experiment with mentally moving the energy. This has been beneficial to me in dealing with my spine pain. I mentally go into the pain and circulate the energy in the places where it feels stuck. This requires a lot of concentration but is one of the few methods I’ve found that help with severe pain.

8. Self-hypnosis and visualizations. These techniques can reduce pain for some.

9. Meditation and yoga. The gentle stretching movements of yoga can alleviate some pains and help open up pathways for the energies. Vipassana meditation is particularly good for coping with physical or emotional pain. Through the practice of cultivated awareness and acceptance (also known as mindfulness or Insight Meditation), one learns to let go of inner resistances to the pain. Shinzen Young, a Vipassana teacher who has worked extensively with people in severe pain, comments: „Just as pain
multiplied by resistance equals suffering, pain multiplied by acceptance equals spiritual cleansing or purification.“ To Young, the greatest benefit of this meditation is that it „fosters rapid personal evolution: a releasing of psychological and spiritual blockages; a kind of deep and permanent cleansing of the very substance of your soul.“

10. Music. When my back pain was most ferocious, I spent hours merging into beautiful, soothing music I listened to through headphones. While I wasn’t transported away from the pain, I was less self- identified with it.

11. Prayer. Mother Meera (considered to be one of the living incarnations of the divine Mother) has said that all prayers to the Goddess are eventually answered, and that even when She cannot take the suffering away (some pain and suffering are an inevitable and necessary part of spiritual growth), She always acts in compassion to soften one’s suffering. In my seven years of praying to the Goddess, I have found this to be true.

The Goddess is the deification of divine mercy and love; this is why I am attuned to Her in my prayers. Prayer is very personal and is most effective when it is directed to the Higher Power that has the greatest resonance for you.

12. Dialogue with the pain or physical symptom. This can bring up very fruitful insights and revelations. Ask the pain (or symptom) who it is and what it wants from you. Allow your imagination free reign with this. Sometimes it takes several dialogue sessions to get anywhere (and it may seem like nothing meaningful is happening). But if you persist, you might learn something valuable about yourself (or about the universe) and may discover the pain is reduced or disappears in the process.

13. Pain medication. There were times during my awakening when I was clearly told not to take any drugs/chemicals into my body. There have been other times when I was permitted to take medications (in moderation) to relieve my most painful symptoms. (This „permission“ came in the sense that these medicines became available to me and I had no adverse reaction, physically or psychically, when I made use of them.) I have used, at various times in my process, Valium (good for relieving muscle spasms),
Flexeril (a muscle relaxant that has helped with my back pain), Codeine (another godsend for taking the edge off my agonizing spine pain) and aspirin. Irina Tweedie practically lived on aspirin and caffeine in the form of black coffee for the first five years of her Kundalini awakening. You’ll need to stay closely in touch with your own system to know how purist you should be about this.

14. Herbs, vitamin and mineral supplements, and aromatherapy are sometimes very useful for pain relief.

15. During periods when we are experiencing a lot of emotional pain, being able to talk about this to a kind, caring, nonjudgmental person can be of tremendous help. Caroline Myss says this „deeply healing process of sharing your pain with another“ is necessary for self-validation. One does this „not so that the other person can make [the pain] go away, but because no one can bear the inner weight of suffering alone. Somehow, if only one other person is aware of the grief we carry, the burden becomes easier to bear because the suffering no longer seems meaningless and unacknowledged.“

16. There are all sorts of specific remedies and treatments advised by various healers. For example: rubbing sesame oil on the top of the head (or sometimes on the back and other parts of the body) is said to relieve Kundalini pain and to loosen energy blockages. (When I tried it, the only thing it seemed to do was make me greasy.) Homeopathic, Aryuvedic, flower essences and other remedies are helpful for some people for some Kundalini symptoms.

For rapid heartbeat, you might try putting an ice cube in your mouth. This has been very effective for some people with tachycardia. It has been speculated that the reason this works is because the vagus nerve that is connected to the heart runs into the mouth.

17. Be patient. When Bonnie Lee Hood (who has done a great deal of research on spiritual emergence) was asked at a conference what was most useful in getting through the worst parts of the process, she answered, „Time.“ Many of the painful or hard to bear aspects of awakening will eventually work themselves out without intervention. Simply being willing to „be with“ whatever is happening, and
allowing our healing to unfold at its own pace, may be all that is needed. And sometimes, when we seem to be stuck at a difficult impasse, it is not until we are able to surrender to the process that we finally come upon inner or external guidance to help us move on.

During his expedition through the wilds of Africa, a sage approached Carl Jung with this tip: „You know, Mister, this here country is not man’s country, it’s God’s country. So if anything should happen, just sit down and don’t worry.“ Jung realized this advice applied equally to embarking on a journey through what he called „the unconscious,“ meaning everything beyond the threshold of ordinary consciousness, including things of a divine nature. As his biographer Barbara Hannah later wrote, Jung understood that „not man but God was in command here – in other words – not will and intention, but
inscrutable design.“ To sit down without worry meant „accepting the inscrutable design that reveals itself and never trying to push through his own way,“ never „trying to control the uncontrollable.“

Nutrition

„The main guideline to developing our diet is our inner experience of the Kundalini or simply that, while eating or after eating, our body-mind complex should feel energized and good throughout the day.“ – Gabriel Cousens

„Listen to your body“ is the message I’ve reiterated when counseling others, and the message that has been stressed again and again in my own process. Despite this, there have been times when I’ve had considerable resistance to following my own advice. This has been particularly true when it comes to nutrition.

My problem has been my indoctrinated ideas about what constitutes a healthy diet. When my body has needed fresh fruits and vegetables, I’ve had no trouble obliging it, since I was a vegetarian long before my Kundalini awakening. But when my system violently rejected what I considered to be a good, balanced menu, I was concerned. During these times, I subsisted on a seemingly non-nutritive mono-diet of nothing but blueberry muffins and cereal with milk and honey. Yet any deviation from this fare
would bring on nearly instantaneous diarrhea. You’d think I would learn after several bouts of this sort, but no, I kept trying to add „wholesome“ foods even while my body was making it very clear to me that these were not digestible at the time.

It did immensely help me that Gopi Krishna, lacking our own „scientific“ cultural bias, regarded milk, butter, dried fruits and „sugary substances and cereals“ as „all nourishing and purifying articles of food,“ and described how important these foods were to his own well-being during the purgation period of his awakening. It dawned on me that these types of foods fall into the category described in yogic literature as sattvic. Dairy foods, grains, fruits and sweets are all considered highly sattvic. The yogis believe that eating certain types of food produce specific states of consciousness. Sattvic foods are said to promote the most spiritual level of bodily vibrations.

I think the converse is true: when the bodily vibrations are at a certain level, only sattvic food can be tolerated. Glenn Morris speaks of the Kundalini awakening of his ninjutsu master, whose digestive system rejected everything but rice and yogurt, which he lived on exclusively for eighteen months. Other people have told me of similar needs for these foods. One woman in the midst of a Kundalini awakening told me, „I’m hungry all the time. I’m eating tons of cheese and dried fruit and honey…“ She was surprised at her ravenous appetite for these specific foods. At certain phases of my process, I found myself craving sweets and dairy products – cheesecake in particular. Another woman told me she was downing gallons of ice cream and couldn’t get enough cheese. A metaphysical teacher who went through a long and severe Kundalini awakening found that drinking lots of milk is very soothing to the system. She now recommends this for others going through this process.

The craving for sweets seems to correspond to intense energy vibrations in the body. Hypoglycemia can occur during these high-energy states. I found that if I didn’t heed these cravings, I would experience sudden and acute reactions. Like a diabetic in insulin shock, I’d become irritable, dizzy, confused and rapidly hostile and hysterical until I drank some fruit juice. Having no medical history of such episodes, these radical behavior shifts were unnerving for both Charles and I. I soon learned never to ignore my hunger.

Cravings for high protein foods are also typical for Kundalini awakenings. I had been a vegetarian for over fifteen years, but there were times during my Kundalini process when I had an insatiable need for fish and poultry. I haven’t had cravings for red meat, but I’ve heard that this is also common, even for previously devout vegetarians.

Numerous people who were meat eaters prior to risen Kundalini eventually develop an aversion to, and inability to digest flesh foods. Nutritional needs also seem to move in cycles. I went through a period where I craved eggs, then into a long stretch were they were completely indigestible, then back again to needing and being able to assimilate them without problems. Digestive disturbances predominate in some people’s Kundalini process for years, with the system so fickle one never knows from one day to the next what the body will accept.

I’ve had periods when I was voraciously hungry and times when I was indifferent to food. For stretchesof time, I was hungry but could barely eat. When my throat chakra was blocked for three months, I felt strangled all the time and could swallow nothing but liquid. I also had difficulty eating when the energy was in my mouth, causing my tongue to spontaneously move in strange and uncontrollable ways. When Kundalini moves into the face, some people suffer long periods of „lockjaw“, which prohibits eating. When the energy is strongest in the stomach and abdominal area, nausea, vomiting and
diarrhea can become a problem. Weight loss is common during these phases of awakening. Weight gain is also frequent during the voracious eating stages. And those who are prescribed psychoactive medications generally experience weight gain as a side effect. This is an especially difficult issue for women in our current anorexic-adoring culture. When the process makes us insatiably hungry, many women try to fight these urges out of fear of eating too much and becoming fat. This is as much a mistake as trying to eat what we think is correct rather than what our bodies are telling us to eat. I have found that any „feast“ episodes in which I put on pounds are shortly followed by „famines“ in which I shed weight rapidly.

What’s more surprising is that weight gain and loss also occur independently of food intake. A woman who could take nothing but water for several weeks was amazed to find that her weight did not change at all. There were periods when my own weight went up and down like a yoyo, regardless of how much or what kinds of food I was consuming. At times, I’ve registered a ten-pound difference from one day to the next. Sometimes, when I’ve felt sure I must be putting on weight, I’ve been astonished to find I was losing it, and vice versa. For awhile, I thought my bathroom scale must be
defective. Then I began hearing from others who reported the same phenomena.

Because I’ve had specific food cravings at many points in my process, I let myself be led by these in choosing what to eat. The body gives me clear messages about what nutrients it needs at the moment. I’ve never yet had digestive or other physical problems when I’ve succumbed to my food cravings, no matter how peculiar they’ve seemed. Conversely, ignoring the craving, or trying to select an appropriate meal according to my dietary theories of what’s good for me, has caused havoc.

My choice in foods, like every other facet of my personality, has undergone remarkable alterations. Many foods I used to eat regularly before my Kundalini awakening have little appeal to me now. And foods which are now my staples are those I rarely ate previously. In her book Shakti Woman, Vicki Noble tells of a similar shift: „I used to be able to abuse my body with alcohol, sugar, and meat without direct, felt consequences. But once I began the purification process of awakening to the energy, releasing the toxins and negativity from my past, and channeling greater healing power, it became impossible to eat fast foods without getting immediate diarrhea or to drink wine without headache or
to eat too much sugar without the back of my neck seizing up in a spasm.“

Spiritual Nutrition

Giving thanks for everything I eat is, to me, an important spiritual element of nutrition. Some say that blessing food supplements and medications before taking them will make them more effective. Whether or not this is true, I find this a beautiful idea. Giving our blessings and gratitude for all that comes to us keeps alive our reverence for life. The alternative medicine expert, Dr. Andrew Weil, says that „nutrition in its broadest sense has to do with everything taken into yourself, everything you associate with and what influence that has on you.“ When we are being transformed, we become much
more aware of all the things that are nourishing or toxic to us on all levels. Our old routines, habits, attitudes, activities and associates no longer suffice. In everything we do, in every dimension of our beings, we are being refined and restored to our Original Wholeness.

Who Can We Tell?

Trying to explain our situation to people who have no knowledge of Kundalini is like trying to explain the desert to a fish. The dynamics of Kundalini fly in the face of so many consensual reality beliefs that people think we are talking lunacy. When I am asked how Kundalini experiences can be broached in a way that will be acceptable to one’s neighbors and friends, I am tempted to advise: „Tell them you have malaria!“

Genevieve Lewis Paulson, whose Kundalini awakening was not so severe as to prevent her from working, said that rather than offer „long definitions and treatises,“ she told friends and co-workers that her symptoms were due to „menopause and low-blood sugar.“ This explanation was not entirely untrue in her case, since she „was of menopausal age, after all, and did have some low-blood sugar problems.“ Throughout my life, I’ve experienced psychic and spiritual phenomena which, with the exception of a few carefully chosen confidants, I had kept to myself. Since these experiences were
primarily of an interior nature, and had no visible effect on my body or my behavior, these secrets were not hard to conceal. But when my Kundalini arose, it was no longer possible to pretend that nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Where my previous unusual experiences comprised a small portion of my life, Kundalini monopolizes my life. It is not something I can keep in the closet while carrying on an ostensibly „normal“ daily life.

Still, not everyone connected to me knows the truth about my situation. Relatives who keep in touch with my mother have been told I am suffering from a strange illness my doctors have been unable to diagnose. (From my doctors’ viewpoint, this is true.) To my neighbors, I am some kind of eccentric recluse with health problems. (This also is not far removed from the truth.) Yet even these unsuspecting neighbors have not been spared some of the wilder paranormal manifestations of the riproaring Kundalini. During the most spectacular period of my process, the elderly couple next door (who had no inkling of my condition) asked Charles, who is an electronics engineer, if he knew what might be causing a very peculiar „malfunction“ in their TV set. With considerable embarrassment (and fear that we might consider them crazy), they told him that for the past week, the set had been turning itself on full volume in the middle of the night! They hoped Charles might be able to offer some mechanical explanation for this bizarre development. Charles told me he almost replied, „Maybe it has something to do with my wife.“ Instead, he discretely answered that he knew of no logical explanation for the phenomena. (These were two very conservation, Methodist-Republican senior citizens who were not likely to find reassurance in the discovery that they were residing next door to a human psychic-power-dynamo!)

During this same period, Charles and I had gone to a bookstore to see if we could find any books on Kundalini. The clerk asked us if we had read Gopi Krishna’s biography. We told her that we had. „Isn’t it incredible what he went through?“ she asked us. „It’s hard to imagine such a thing.“ We both smiled and nodded. Little did she know it was all I could do to keep my arms held stiff at my sides to prevent them from going into sweeping mudras. In The Stormy Search for the Self, Christina and Stanislav Grof
observe: „Spiritual disciplines have varying attitudes about whether people should talk about their inner journey. Some schools believe that it detracts from the power of the experience to talk about it and that such discussion may lead to undesirable traits such as pride… Other traditions encourage expression, however limited, as a way to integrate these inner states into daily life. By talking about your experiences with people who understand, you will further comprehend what happened to you.“ Overall, they advise that it is safest to confide only in „people who are receptive – someone who has
been through a similar process, a knowledgeable therapist or spiritual teacher, or a support group.“ While it can be very helpful to discuss our visions and mystical experiences with trusted advisors, Native Americans such as the holy man Medicine Grizzlybear Lake warn that it is best to wait at least a year before openly sharing such things. Indiscriminate sharing can dissipate the power of these experiences.

I did tell my closest family members and friends the truth about my situation. Yet even among the most receptive and open-minded, there was misunderstanding. One person thought I had deliberately decided to precipitate a Kundalini awakening. Appalled that I would initiate such a dangerous undertaking, she tried to talk me out of it. Another imagined Kundalini to be some kind of tantric sexual practice. Some assumed that I was using a religious metaphor to help me cope with my terrible disease. Several feared that I had lost my mind under the strain of my illness. Initially, my sister was afraid that I
was in denial about an undiagnosed manic-depressive disorder, and my son asked me if having a risen Kundalini meant that I was now a „pagan.“

Repeatedly, people undergoing transformation remark that they find little tolerance or real knowledge of the Kundalini process even among their most spiritually oriented acquaintances. Unless someone is personally undergoing the process, or has read a substantial amount of authentic literature on this phenomena (or has been in close, constant contact with someone experiencing transformation), it’s a good bet they won’t have a clue as to what you are saying. I solved the problem by sending nearly a
dozen copies of Bonnie Greenwell’s Energies of Transformation and half a dozen of Lee Sannella’s The Kundalini Experience to family members and friends who were valiantly struggling to comprehend me. Many of those I know who are involved in lengthy transformation processes have simply given up trying to explain it to anyone. Some who are undergoing unmistakable Kundalini awakenings won’t even use the word Kundalini any more, so weary are they of being misunderstood. For years, I managed to avoid mentioning anything about Kundalini to my doctors for fear if I did, they would not only
dismiss what I said, but would likely diagnose me as some kind of neurotic/hypochondriac space case and stop taking my legitimate medical needs seriously. When my spine injury forced me to seek medical help, I first saw a general practitioner. When she witnessed my kriyas, I explained that this was a lingering neurological condition that previous physicians said might be the result of a virus. (Not the whole truth, but true enough.) She sent me to a neurologist; again, on the examining table, my legs jerked spastically several times. The neurologist assumed this was because I was in pain and tense; he told me to „just relax.“ (Actually, the more relaxed I am, the more vigorous the kriyas. I did the opposite and tensed up; the kriyas subsided.)

Sometimes it seems as if the Spirit wants to be known, and pushes us into situations where telling is unavoidable. After eleven months of relentless back pain, my neurologist became insistent that I switch from a very small daily dose of codeine to antidepressants for pain relief. I had told him previously that I did not want to take these drugs because there was „too much controversy“ surrounding them, but he wouldn’t let it go at that. He kept questioning me as to why I was so dead set against taking these medications. Finally, I broke down and confessed to him that I was in the midst of a Kundalini
awakening, and that antidepressants were known to be antagonistic to the process. I said that I knew it sounded weird, and that I was very uneasy talking about this because I knew that others who revealed their condition to their doctor were met with disbelief and hostility – and in some cases, a refusal to provide further medical care.

Much to his credit, although he was skeptical, my neurologist did not berate me, and was willing to drop the argument. It helped that I was able to tell him that the DSM-IV (issued by the American Psychiatric Association and relied upon by mainstream doctors and therapists) has accepted the new category of spiritual emergence! In a March ’93 memo, SEN told its members of this groundbreaking medical recognition of the mind/body/soul connection: „Because any diagnosis that appears in the manual must be included in medical school training, physicians and therapists will be educated on the
subject.“ (A standing ovation for doctors Robert Turner, David Lukoff and Francis Lu for working hard to get this category recognized!) Who and how and when to tell are not easy decisions – and, as in my experience with my doctor, the decision is not always in our own hands. I have been wonderfully blessed in having a husband with whom I can share the whole of my truth, and with connecting to others who not only understood, but who were experiencing many identical manifestations to mine in their own emergence process.

People experiencing Kundalini difficulties are one of the most socially disenfranchised of all groups, in large part because they are not only invisible to the culture, but also invisible to each other and, when not understanding the spiritual nature of their process, estranged from themselves. Surrounded by a collective negating voice that intermittently speaks through friends, family, associates, doctor, minister, alternative healer, swami, roshi, etc., the individual is constantly told that her Kundalini
experiences simply cannot (or should not) be happening.

Of all the demeaning forms of prejudice, aspersion that categorically denies the validity of one’s experiences is most undermining. Even blatant hatred is not so corrosive to one’s sense of self-trust. This is why networking and forming support groups is so important for Kundalini initiates. When we know others who are in the same boat, it is far easier to withstand onslaughts of the immense forces of ignorance. This is not simply a matter of having some chums to trade tales with. People’s lives have been badly damaged through inappropriate medical treatments, poor „spiritual“ instruction, and an
overall lack of personal understanding of the transformational process.

Unless we use discretion, telling the truth about our Kundalini experiences may get us branded as liars or weirdoes, jeopardizing our jobs, reducing our standing in the community and threatening our survival. But gradually the social climate is warming up to the mysteries of the Spirit. Up until recent times, admitting to a telepathic or precognitive experience, or to making contact with the „ghost“ of a loved one who had died, were met with blank stares and serious question about one’s sanity. Now
these and stranger things are featured topics on popular TV talk shows. If, as it seems, the planetary vibration of the Aquarian Age is inducing ever increasing incidents of spontaneous spiritual awakening, perhaps not too far in the future, there will be so many of us and enough honest discussion of these experiences that we all will feel free to speak openly of such things.

Blessing or Curse?

In the overall sense, what may help or hinder us most is our regard for the process itself. Both the energetic activity in the body and the psychic deluge from awakening chakras create a strong impression of internal „otherness.“ Women who have borne children are familiar with this physical and mental/emotional intimacy with the „other“ within. In fact, many of the Kundalini manifestations bear resemblance to the flutterings and stirrings and even the bold kicks and contortions of the infant in the
womb. If we are able to welcome this inundation of more-than-self into our bodyminds, the process is far easier to bear than when we recoil in horror at the seemingly alien invasion. Transpersonal psychotherapist Bonnie Greenwell, who works with clients undergoing spiritual emergence, has commented: „If Kundalini awakens and one is contracted against the consciousness it brings, it appears that nothing of value can happen, although much struggle may still occur.“

I have witnessed this in several individuals who furiously fought against the difficulties of their awakening process. Not only was this negation futile in preventing further symptoms; by taking an adversarial stance, they denied themselves the one thing that might have made their pain endurable: a sense of purposefulness.

In my case, some part of me must have been secretly awaiting this stage of my development in great anticipation, because as soon as I accepted I was experiencing the risen Kundalini, I was overcome with joy, reverence and gratitude. Such immediate readiness to receive the process as a gift is unusual. Most people need a bit more reflection and evidence before they can believe that the painful symptoms and
losses incurred during the cleansing period are actually preludes to profound healing and regeneration.

„During and for a period of time after the awakening, it may be quite hard to accept the reality of the Kundalini,“ points out Tontyn Hopman (who worked closely with Gopi Krishna). He sympathizes with those who are „going through a turmoil of both beatific and upsetting visionary or synchronistic experiences,“ and want „nothing more than to return to the old, uncomplicated state and have nothing more to do with the new situation.“ Hopman suggests that we try to humbly „live with, even for, the
new energy in us,“ and if possible, to surround ourselves „with persons with whom we have a harmonious and loving relationship. “ More exuberantly, Vicki Noble encourages us „to keep a sense of excitement and joy about the process, to affirm the actual sensations of life-force and passion that are flooding through the body… Trust the basic goodness of the process, the positive direction of the high-voltage healing energies.“

Yet even with such a rallying attitude, those of us who accept the benevolence of the transformational experiences may still face episodes that shake our faith. There have been countless times when I seriously doubted I would survive my process intact. Yet even in my most harrowing moments, I have been sustained by my gratitude. Going through severe illness and staggering losses brings everything into razor sharp perspective. Either one remains teetering on a precipice of bitter resentment, or one
gains a deep appreciation of every aspect of one’s existence, which is not wracked in pain and sorrow. Genuine gratitude is a reward unto itself. Even in the throes of devastation, it fills us with a sense of the holiness of life. Gratitude is the recognition that Something here is touching us with Love. This is such a joyful release from the egocentric and self-torturing belief that Something here owes us a good life, or
that any painful experience is a sign of punishment or personal failure.

I’m afraid I’m starting to sound moralistic here, which isn’t my intention. I don’t think feeling thankful can be taught as a spiritual virtue; it arises by itself when enough inner debris has been cleared away. I think it is crucial to remember that each of us has our own innate style, our own exquisite relationship to the whole that no one else can spell out for us. The transformational process reveals to each of us the best way to embrace and be embraced by all that comes to us. Finding this way for ourselves is our
personal search for the grail. The qualities of character stressed by many spiritual teachers as essential to completing transformation are courage, faith and not least of all, a good sense of humor. More succinctly, what helps most is to take heart, keep searching, keep watching.